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...favorite light bulb jokes?

I don't know how this will be received, but I have one that I heard just a little while ago, and it still gives me a chuckle:


How many Marxist-Leninists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  The internal conflict inherent in the bulb will intensify, and naturally lead to a state of revolution.

van pelt
Friday, November 14, 2003


How many Unix sysadmins does it take to change a light bulb?
- One to hold it, and the world revolves around him.

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
- One to run the wizard, or call support if there's no wizard.

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb?
- Let's hope there are some Apple Light Bulbs available or you're out of luck.

How many Linux users does it take to change a light bulb?
- One to recompile the kernel and rpm the bulb, 10,000 to whine about how windows light bulb wizards are ruining computing for everyone, 1,000 to suggest that the new government light bulbs won't run on linux, and 5 MPAA attorneys to sue the guy who figured out how light bulb threads work.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
- Fish

Philo
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis.

No, I mean ladder!

Colin
Friday, November 14, 2003

how many psychologist ...

one, but the bulb should want it as well

n/a
Friday, November 14, 2003

Why does it take 12 women with PMS to change a light bulb?

JUST BECAUSE!!

Glenn. B. Hansen
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.

whattimeisiteccles
Friday, November 14, 2003

I perfer this version of the surrealist one:

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

sgf
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? 

None, that's a hardware problem.

How many Jewish mothers does it take?
None.  "It's OK, I'll sit here in the dark."

GML
Friday, November 14, 2003

Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine.  Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong... Have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. What are you, stupid?

How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifteen. You got a problem with that?

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

Q: How many Censors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to ---- ------- ----- and another to ---- ----- ---- while ---- ---- - - -----with a ------

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

TES
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... Two... One-Two-Three-FOUR!

æøå
Friday, November 14, 2003

TES-  It's "Pollacks" not "Irishmen".  In offensive ethnic humor of days past, each group had its own particular humorius characteristics.  For the Irish it was drunkeness.  For the Poles it was stupidity (actually, in my grandfather's day it was Swedes, not Poles- go figure), for Italians criminality.  For Jews, fondness for money.

Anyway, that's how it broke down in America in the middle of the twentieth century.  Perhaps some of our European friends could fill us in on ethnic stereotypes over there...before this thread gets deleted by the JOS thought police.

Name withheld out of cowardice
Friday, November 14, 2003

ROFLMAO!!!

There's something so zen about "correcting" a stereotype in a US-centric way.

Philo

Philo
Friday, November 14, 2003

Thanks for mentioning zen.  Just the intro I needed.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

none - the universe spins the lightbulb and the Zen master steps out of the way

two - one to change the lightbulb and the other to not change the lightbulb

three - one to change the lightbulb, one to not change the lightbulb, and the third to go beyond the changing and not changing

or finally

The wind whistles down the valley and the cherry blossoms flutter to the ground.

Bruce Perry
Friday, November 14, 2003

I can't compete with the ethnic slur debate.

...but how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.  But how do they get in there?

Rich
Friday, November 14, 2003

How could y'all have missed:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.  And that's not funny.

Contrary Mary
Friday, November 14, 2003

No -  I'm afraid the Irish gag was a British one 

The traditionally stereotypical:

Irishman was thick / drunk / physically strong
(Irishmen often worked as labourers)
Scotsman was tightfisted / drunk
Welshman was religious / thieving / fond of sheep
English was arrogant

Meanwhile within England:

Londoner - thief / loudmouth /arrogant
Scouser (Liverpool) - thief /unemployed
Southerner - soft / weak / pampered
Northerner - poor / thick / leftwing
West Country - thick / rural.

BTW I'm from London, I've lived in Wales and my wife's family's Irish. 

A cynic writes
Friday, November 14, 2003

---"It's "Pollacks" not "Irishmen".  In offensive ethnic humor of days past, each group had its own particular humorius characteristics.  For the Irish it was drunkeness.  For the Poles it was stupidity (actually, in my grandfather's day it was Swedes, not Poles- go figure), for Italians criminality.  For Jews, fondness for money."-----

It's all relative; in the UK the Irish are the stupid (which leads to the joke "Why are Irish jokes so stupid?" "So the English can understand them.") and the Scots (as well as the Jews) are the mean ones. The Poles are the crazy ones.

The "stupid" ones in Spain are Gallegos (in Egypt it's the Fayoumis) and the "mean" ones are the Catalans (in the Middle East it's the Christians). whilst the Andalucians have the reputation for wild exaggeration.

You will find all the jokes retold in different countries in different languages and different regions playing the stereotypes.

Stephen Jones
Friday, November 14, 2003

"Q: How many Newton users [or tablet users, etc.] does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup."

zigzag
Friday, November 14, 2003

"Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change-message."

"Q. How many IBMers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7502439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank," and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A...consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks.""

zigzag2
Friday, November 14, 2003

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only two, but they have to be quite small mice.

Edwin
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

One.  But they're still in the dark.

Alyosha`
Friday, November 14, 2003

Q: How many people-who-still-use-Windows-95 does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Change????

Brad
Friday, November 14, 2003

Bedroom 95 notices that you have changed the lightbulb. Please exit the house for the changes to take effect.

Tapiwa
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Tapiwa
Friday, November 14, 2003

one more for the road.

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Tapiwa
Friday, November 14, 2003

How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?


66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes (_what_ is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the BS and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure that it really does add up to 66.

shiggins
Friday, November 14, 2003

Whilst this is going on the Mensans realize, after the first two numbers, that the sum of the series is:

11 + 1
10 +2
9 + 3
8 + 4
7 + 5
+ 6 ...


Friday, November 14, 2003

How many Californians does it take to screw in  a lightbulb?

None, of course: Californians screw in hot tubs, instead ...

Mongo (from San Diego)
Friday, November 14, 2003

Had no intention of starting an ethnic slur debate, just got some jokes from the web.  I really do like Irish people :-).

Doesn't take much around here!!!

T

TES
Friday, November 14, 2003

--"Scouser (Liverpool) - thief /unemployed"----

Yep, at typical joke goes "What do you call a scouser in a suit?"  "The accused".

Stephen Jones
Saturday, November 15, 2003

How many Matrix fans does it take to change a light bulb?

None. There's no bulb.

Igor K.
Saturday, November 15, 2003

regarding ethnic jokes, in sweden the norwegians are the stupid ones (why do the norwegians open the milk in the shop? cause it says "open here" on the pack) while the finnish are the drunk. In both norway and finland, swedes are the stupid ones.

latvian joke about people from Lettland: father and two sons drive in a car, one son says "I think the party was good", half an hour later the other son replys "I don't think so", three hours go by and the father says "you hot-tempered latvian boys should really cool down".

Dimitri.
Saturday, November 15, 2003

How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven.  One to climb up the ladder, one to knock the ladder out from under him, and five to talk about how punk that was.

Michael Chansky
Saturday, November 15, 2003

How many XBox* owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Both of them.

*Substitute for your own despised brand name (ford, holden, gamecube etc)

ChrisO
Sunday, November 16, 2003

How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

AC
Monday, November 17, 2003

It takes 2 WASPs:  one to call the electrician, and the other to mix the martinis.

GML
Monday, November 17, 2003

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