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Performance Appraisals

They recently promoted an administrative assistant to supervisor over a development team where I work.  Lets just say she is more concerned with the format of our expense reports than whether code is produced. [Some speculate she has pictures of the boss with farm animals, but that is another issue...]

In a few months, should I still be here, it will be time to do her appraisal (and god forbid ours).  So I went out looking for good comments and found Shane's page [ http://www.shanemcdonald.com/laughs/l-performance.html ], an oldie but goodie, reproduced here.

Enjoy...


How did you do in your last performance review ? These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations, I'm not sure if those being evaluated still had jobs at the end of it.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom-and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere-but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a sign post."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored-he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans

31. "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

35. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. As bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
8. He's so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
10. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

--- Feel free to add others ---

BigRoy
Tuesday, July 08, 2003

There's another one I've read, which is a whole paragraph of complimentary comments. The punchline is the second email to the next higher up in the food chain which says "just read every sceond line, the subject was standing behind me when I wrote it". Of course, when read in that way it reads completely differently. Very clever.


Tuesday, July 08, 2003

"promoted an administrative assistant to supervisor over a development team"

Wow, she must have some "qualifications" to make that career jump.

Cletus
Tuesday, July 08, 2003

Sometimes business needs people skills over pure development skills.  We had a Business Analyst (BA) put in charge of the whole of IT, and what a difference it made to the whole process.

Another BA was 'Let go' because he "wasn't working as hard as the others...", based on every time the manager saw him, he wasn't typing as much as the other BA's....

"Perception is reality" was the motto for a while, but now the "BA as IT Manager" has gone, we've had another department re-org and everything is settling down again.

Dilbert anyone?

Raddy Echt
Wednesday, July 09, 2003

My last performance appraisal basically went; "You can't get anyone to verify you've been doing good work, because we made all them redundant but kept you because your skillset is valuable, so you get 0%".

Wonderful.

Actually, it's not at all uncommon for companies to promote admin people into technical management roles. I've seen places where people were secretary one day and a software dev team leader the next. It's because developers are, in essence, grubby manual workers. And no matter how long you've been doing grubby manual work, your collar has to stay blue. White collars get to move about though. I've also seen a place where the guy in charge of development was an ex-trucker. Reason: rather than lay off truckers who get bad backs and things, they'd make them "team leaders" and have them organise stuff. Fair enough. IT also has "team leader" positions and they seem remarkably expensive to fill with outsiders. And after all, organising developers is just like organising truckers...

Katie Lucas
Wednesday, July 09, 2003

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